The IT Crowd: "The Second Work Outing"
Jun. 4th, 2009 10:53 pm![[personal profile]](http://s.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shriftToday is the birthday of my nestra! To celebrate, I have written something very silly for a TV show that Nestra told me to watch. Happy birthday, Nestra! I hope you find it adequately ridiculous.
The Second Work Outing
The IT Crowd. PG-13, Roy/Moss. 1,839 words.
"In which Moss and Roy are somewhat more married than usual."
Thanks tothe_parthenon and gritkitty for the quick&dirty read-through.
Jen's high heels clattered as she came out of her office and waved her hands. "Oh, my god, I need your help."
"Computer on fire?" asked Roy. He was reading Swamp Thing, and he was just getting to a good part.
Jen wrinkled her nose. "No."
"Then I don't care," said Roy, turning a page.
"How may I be of assistance?" offered Moss.
"Actually, I need the both of you for this," said Jen, wringing her hands. "Tonight. Do you have any plans?" Moss opened his mouth to reply, but Jen waved him silent and laughed. "What am I saying? Of course you don't have any plans."
"I have plans," said Roy.
"Oh, really," said Jen. She tapped her foot. "What are they, then?"
"I'm... going to eliminate the static electricity from all of my electronic devices," lied Roy.
"Roy," said Moss. He looked disapproving, but Roy knew to wait for it; he figured that Moss was a wee bit warped from spending so much time with his mother. "That's brilliant! I'm going to use that one on mother tonight when she asks why I'm taking so long in the loo."
"All right, look. If you just do this one thing for me, I'll give each of you a fiver," said Jen.
Moss smacked his hands on his desk in enthusiasm. "Then I'd love to help you -- hang on. What kind of favour is this? It isn't... porn, is it? I most emphatically am not doing any of that funny business again, and nothing you can say will change my mind."
"It's not porn," growled Jen. "Well, not exactly."
Roy finally closed Swamp Thing and put it onto his desk. "Then what is it, exactly?"
"Okay, it's like this: I was on the phone with Alec, and --"
"Who is Alec?" mouthed Moss.
Roy shrugged elaborately.
"Pay attention," snapped Jen. "I was on the phone with Alec and he mentioned that he was meeting some mates down at the pub -- a couple, he said -- and he asked me if I'd like to join. I said yes, of course, because have you seen Alec?"
"No," said Roy in irritation. "We haven't."
"Anyway, Alec asked if I knew another couple who might want to join, because it's a little awkward to have couples and then one or two single friends. Singles always think that you're trying to match make, or something. Crazy, right? And so I said, yes, of course I knew a couple who'd just love to come 'round, and then I looked up the name of the pub on the internet while we were still on the phone, and it turns out to be a gay pub."
"Oh, not again," said Roy. He covered his eyes for a moment. "Y'know, straight people do go to gay pubs on occasion, like you and your special friend Alec, for example."
"I'm afraid that I don't understand exactly what you're getting at, Jen," said Moss.
"Moss, I need you and Roy to come with me to the pub tonight. As a couple."
Moss frowned. "Technically, I think you'll find that's a ménage à trois."
The horrified expression on Jen's face made Roy laugh so hard that he fell out of his chair.
"No," said Jen carefully. "I need you and Roy to pretend to be a couple. A gay couple."
"No," said Moss immediately.
"Why not?" demanded Jen. "You're the most married people I know."
"But not legally," insisted Moss. "I refuse."
"I'll give each of you 20 pounds and pay for your first round," said Jen.
"Make it two rounds and it's a deal," said Roy from the floor.
***
"Okay, listen," said Jen outside of the pub. She raised her hands like an instructor. "Just be yourselves. If you get too nerdy I'll just direct the conversation away from you. No funny business. Try not to be stupid. All right? All right."
"I have a question," said Moss, raising his hand.
"No, you don't," said Jen, and went into the pub.
"I have a question," repeated Moss.
"Ask it later," said Roy, dragging Moss into the pub by his hand. He spotted Jen's hair and pushed through the crowd in her direction, Moss shuffling behind him and muttering under his breath.
"There you are!" said Jen, throwing her arms wide as though she hadn't been scowling at them outside a mere 30 seconds ago. She turned and put her hand on a man's shoulder. He was dark, reasonably fit, above average height, good suit; nothing about him was immediately objectionable, and that made Roy cross. "Alec, this is Roy, and that's Moss there behind him."
"Hello," Roy said, stepping forward to shake Alec's hand.
"Hi," Moss said over Roy's shoulder.
"I have to admit that I'm surprised," said Alec. He tucked his thumbs under his suspenders. "Jen's mentioned the two of you, but she never said that you were dating!"
"Oh," said Roy, nodding his head. "Since we work together, we like to keep it on the down low."
Moss bent at the waist and helpfully skimmed his hand just above the floor to indicate how low they were down.
"I see, of course," said Alec. "Oh, I should introduce you to my friends. This is Geoffrey and his partner Stefan."
Geoffrey and his partner Stefan were seated at the table wearing friendly smiles. They were fitter, better looking, and even more nicely dressed than Alec.
"Hi," said Moss again.
"Hello," said Roy, and immediately bent to whisper in Moss's ear. "Fantastic. Now I even feel inadequate as a gay man, and I've only been gay for three minutes!"
Moss blinked. "I have no idea what you mean, Roy. Shall we sit?"
"Whatever," said Roy. They sat.
Alec cleared his throat. "We were about to order, if you're hungry."
Moss opened the menu with zeal. "I'm absolutely famished!"
"So, Roy," said Geoffrey. His fingernails were perfect. Roy supposed he must get them done somewhere. "What is it that you and Moss do?"
"We're IT professionals," answered Moss. "It's very complicated. Don't bother asking."
Hurriedly, Roy asked, "What do the two of you do, Geoffrey?"
"I'm Queen's Counsel and Stefan is a translator for the BBC," said Geoffrey. They were holding hands and looked disgustingly accomplished and happy.
"Wow," said Roy enviously. "Impressive."
The waiter arrived. Orders were placed, and then Alec regaled Jen with some boring story about his day that Roy ignored by checking his email on his phone. Moss peered over his shoulder and made bizarre snorty noises at random moments, and then insisted that Roy scroll back so he could finish reading. Stefan took a turn with a boring story, and then Jen. When the food arrived, Roy decided that Moss's looked better and ate off his plate until Moss retaliated by grabbing half of Roy's chips and stuffing them into his mouth all at once.
Roy took one look and burst into giggles. Unable to stop, he gasped, "You look like Mr. Cthulhu Potato Head!"
Moss laughed and spewed partially chewed chips everywhere.
"That's disgusting," said Roy happily.
"I know," said Moss around the chips still in his mouth.
"Well," said Jen, making shooing motions with her hands. "Clean yourselves up!"
Moss and Roy giggled all the way to the Men's. They got most of the masticated potato cleared off and were returning to the group when Moss stopped Roy just outside the toilet.
"I have a question," said Moss.
"Yes?" asked Roy.
"Will public displays of affection be required for this ruse, because if so, I have to warn you that I haven't kissed many people and I think it would behove us to practice prior to the situation arising should we not wish to give ourselves away as frauds?"
Roy squinted. "What?"
"Kissing!" shouted Moss, and before Roy could answer, Moss pushed him against the wall and pressed his mouth to Roy's. The last time this had happened, Moss had left Roy thoroughly stunned and somewhat wobbly, and Roy was determined to turn the tables. Moss's kiss was warm and clingy but largely innocent; Roy was good at lewd, so he opened his mouth and went for tongue. When Roy licked at Moss's tongue and the roof of his mouth, Moss made a terrific moaning noise, and when Roy sucked at Moss's lips, Moss made an even louder moaning noise and attempted to climb Roy like a calculator display at the Tesco where Moss subsequently was banned from entering. Moss wiggled around enthusiastically, sucking at Roy's tongue, then his lips and finally his neck; Roy would swear on someone's grave that Moss's mouth didn't make him call for the baby Jesus just then.
Roy's hands were on Moss's arse and Moss had his hands up Roy's "i void warranties" T-shirt when Roy felt a sharp pain in his shin.
"Ow!" said Roy.
Jen kicked him again and glared at them. "When I asked you to do me this very important favour, it would have been nice to know that the two of you were already dating."
"But --" said Moss.
"I won't hear it!" said Jen. "Unbelievable!"
Seeing Jen's stormy expression, Roy said wistfully, "We should have asked for the money up front."
And then she melted. "Why didn't you tell me?"
Roy clapped his hand over Moss's mouth and said, "We just wanted to be sure of the relationship before we said anything."
"Aww," said Jen.
***
Later at Roy's tiny flat, Roy used the toilet, zipped his flies, and turned to see Moss sitting on the couch and using Roy's netbook. Roy could tell it was his because Moss's had a motherboard skin and Roy had gone for robot destruction.
"What are you doing?" asked Roy as he got himself a beer.
"Updating your FriendFace profile to 'In a Relationship'," said Moss.
"What?" said Roy. "Why would you do that?"
"Because I updated my FriendFace profile while we were still at the pub. Face it, Roy. You're mine and I'm not about to let you go. We're going to have a lot of sexual intercourse, you and I."
"Okay," said Roy. "Although I find myself startlingly unopposed to that idea, aren't you forgetting something?"
Moss considered it. "Oh, yes. Gosh darn it, Roy, whilst I did say that I wasn't 'curious' about you sexually when we were attending Gay! A Gay Musical, I find that I've changed my mind."
"That's not what I meant, but thanks," said Roy.
"Then what is it, Roy? I can't stand the suspense."
Roy took a sip of beer. "You do recall that your Mother is on FriendFace?"
Moss stared at him blankly, then flung Roy's netbook at his head and ran out the door. Roy dropped his beer to catch the computer. He was cursing and splattered when Moss darted back in the door to press a warm kiss to Roy's mouth. He left just as quickly, and then poked his head in the door one last time.
"Good night, Roy," said Moss.
the end.
nestra! To celebrate, I have written something very silly for a TV show that Nestra told me to watch. Happy birthday, Nestra! I hope you find it adequately ridiculous.The Second Work Outing
The IT Crowd. PG-13, Roy/Moss. 1,839 words.
"In which Moss and Roy are somewhat more married than usual."
Thanks to
the_parthenon and gritkitty for the quick&dirty read-through.Jen's high heels clattered as she came out of her office and waved her hands. "Oh, my god, I need your help."
"Computer on fire?" asked Roy. He was reading Swamp Thing, and he was just getting to a good part.
Jen wrinkled her nose. "No."
"Then I don't care," said Roy, turning a page.
"How may I be of assistance?" offered Moss.
"Actually, I need the both of you for this," said Jen, wringing her hands. "Tonight. Do you have any plans?" Moss opened his mouth to reply, but Jen waved him silent and laughed. "What am I saying? Of course you don't have any plans."
"I have plans," said Roy.
"Oh, really," said Jen. She tapped her foot. "What are they, then?"
"I'm... going to eliminate the static electricity from all of my electronic devices," lied Roy.
"Roy," said Moss. He looked disapproving, but Roy knew to wait for it; he figured that Moss was a wee bit warped from spending so much time with his mother. "That's brilliant! I'm going to use that one on mother tonight when she asks why I'm taking so long in the loo."
"All right, look. If you just do this one thing for me, I'll give each of you a fiver," said Jen.
Moss smacked his hands on his desk in enthusiasm. "Then I'd love to help you -- hang on. What kind of favour is this? It isn't... porn, is it? I most emphatically am not doing any of that funny business again, and nothing you can say will change my mind."
"It's not porn," growled Jen. "Well, not exactly."
Roy finally closed Swamp Thing and put it onto his desk. "Then what is it, exactly?"
"Okay, it's like this: I was on the phone with Alec, and --"
"Who is Alec?" mouthed Moss.
Roy shrugged elaborately.
"Pay attention," snapped Jen. "I was on the phone with Alec and he mentioned that he was meeting some mates down at the pub -- a couple, he said -- and he asked me if I'd like to join. I said yes, of course, because have you seen Alec?"
"No," said Roy in irritation. "We haven't."
"Anyway, Alec asked if I knew another couple who might want to join, because it's a little awkward to have couples and then one or two single friends. Singles always think that you're trying to match make, or something. Crazy, right? And so I said, yes, of course I knew a couple who'd just love to come 'round, and then I looked up the name of the pub on the internet while we were still on the phone, and it turns out to be a gay pub."
"Oh, not again," said Roy. He covered his eyes for a moment. "Y'know, straight people do go to gay pubs on occasion, like you and your special friend Alec, for example."
"I'm afraid that I don't understand exactly what you're getting at, Jen," said Moss.
"Moss, I need you and Roy to come with me to the pub tonight. As a couple."
Moss frowned. "Technically, I think you'll find that's a ménage à trois."
The horrified expression on Jen's face made Roy laugh so hard that he fell out of his chair.
"No," said Jen carefully. "I need you and Roy to pretend to be a couple. A gay couple."
"No," said Moss immediately.
"Why not?" demanded Jen. "You're the most married people I know."
"But not legally," insisted Moss. "I refuse."
"I'll give each of you 20 pounds and pay for your first round," said Jen.
"Make it two rounds and it's a deal," said Roy from the floor.
***
"Okay, listen," said Jen outside of the pub. She raised her hands like an instructor. "Just be yourselves. If you get too nerdy I'll just direct the conversation away from you. No funny business. Try not to be stupid. All right? All right."
"I have a question," said Moss, raising his hand.
"No, you don't," said Jen, and went into the pub.
"I have a question," repeated Moss.
"Ask it later," said Roy, dragging Moss into the pub by his hand. He spotted Jen's hair and pushed through the crowd in her direction, Moss shuffling behind him and muttering under his breath.
"There you are!" said Jen, throwing her arms wide as though she hadn't been scowling at them outside a mere 30 seconds ago. She turned and put her hand on a man's shoulder. He was dark, reasonably fit, above average height, good suit; nothing about him was immediately objectionable, and that made Roy cross. "Alec, this is Roy, and that's Moss there behind him."
"Hello," Roy said, stepping forward to shake Alec's hand.
"Hi," Moss said over Roy's shoulder.
"I have to admit that I'm surprised," said Alec. He tucked his thumbs under his suspenders. "Jen's mentioned the two of you, but she never said that you were dating!"
"Oh," said Roy, nodding his head. "Since we work together, we like to keep it on the down low."
Moss bent at the waist and helpfully skimmed his hand just above the floor to indicate how low they were down.
"I see, of course," said Alec. "Oh, I should introduce you to my friends. This is Geoffrey and his partner Stefan."
Geoffrey and his partner Stefan were seated at the table wearing friendly smiles. They were fitter, better looking, and even more nicely dressed than Alec.
"Hi," said Moss again.
"Hello," said Roy, and immediately bent to whisper in Moss's ear. "Fantastic. Now I even feel inadequate as a gay man, and I've only been gay for three minutes!"
Moss blinked. "I have no idea what you mean, Roy. Shall we sit?"
"Whatever," said Roy. They sat.
Alec cleared his throat. "We were about to order, if you're hungry."
Moss opened the menu with zeal. "I'm absolutely famished!"
"So, Roy," said Geoffrey. His fingernails were perfect. Roy supposed he must get them done somewhere. "What is it that you and Moss do?"
"We're IT professionals," answered Moss. "It's very complicated. Don't bother asking."
Hurriedly, Roy asked, "What do the two of you do, Geoffrey?"
"I'm Queen's Counsel and Stefan is a translator for the BBC," said Geoffrey. They were holding hands and looked disgustingly accomplished and happy.
"Wow," said Roy enviously. "Impressive."
The waiter arrived. Orders were placed, and then Alec regaled Jen with some boring story about his day that Roy ignored by checking his email on his phone. Moss peered over his shoulder and made bizarre snorty noises at random moments, and then insisted that Roy scroll back so he could finish reading. Stefan took a turn with a boring story, and then Jen. When the food arrived, Roy decided that Moss's looked better and ate off his plate until Moss retaliated by grabbing half of Roy's chips and stuffing them into his mouth all at once.
Roy took one look and burst into giggles. Unable to stop, he gasped, "You look like Mr. Cthulhu Potato Head!"
Moss laughed and spewed partially chewed chips everywhere.
"That's disgusting," said Roy happily.
"I know," said Moss around the chips still in his mouth.
"Well," said Jen, making shooing motions with her hands. "Clean yourselves up!"
Moss and Roy giggled all the way to the Men's. They got most of the masticated potato cleared off and were returning to the group when Moss stopped Roy just outside the toilet.
"I have a question," said Moss.
"Yes?" asked Roy.
"Will public displays of affection be required for this ruse, because if so, I have to warn you that I haven't kissed many people and I think it would behove us to practice prior to the situation arising should we not wish to give ourselves away as frauds?"
Roy squinted. "What?"
"Kissing!" shouted Moss, and before Roy could answer, Moss pushed him against the wall and pressed his mouth to Roy's. The last time this had happened, Moss had left Roy thoroughly stunned and somewhat wobbly, and Roy was determined to turn the tables. Moss's kiss was warm and clingy but largely innocent; Roy was good at lewd, so he opened his mouth and went for tongue. When Roy licked at Moss's tongue and the roof of his mouth, Moss made a terrific moaning noise, and when Roy sucked at Moss's lips, Moss made an even louder moaning noise and attempted to climb Roy like a calculator display at the Tesco where Moss subsequently was banned from entering. Moss wiggled around enthusiastically, sucking at Roy's tongue, then his lips and finally his neck; Roy would swear on someone's grave that Moss's mouth didn't make him call for the baby Jesus just then.
Roy's hands were on Moss's arse and Moss had his hands up Roy's "i void warranties" T-shirt when Roy felt a sharp pain in his shin.
"Ow!" said Roy.
Jen kicked him again and glared at them. "When I asked you to do me this very important favour, it would have been nice to know that the two of you were already dating."
"But --" said Moss.
"I won't hear it!" said Jen. "Unbelievable!"
Seeing Jen's stormy expression, Roy said wistfully, "We should have asked for the money up front."
And then she melted. "Why didn't you tell me?"
Roy clapped his hand over Moss's mouth and said, "We just wanted to be sure of the relationship before we said anything."
"Aww," said Jen.
***
Later at Roy's tiny flat, Roy used the toilet, zipped his flies, and turned to see Moss sitting on the couch and using Roy's netbook. Roy could tell it was his because Moss's had a motherboard skin and Roy had gone for robot destruction.
"What are you doing?" asked Roy as he got himself a beer.
"Updating your FriendFace profile to 'In a Relationship'," said Moss.
"What?" said Roy. "Why would you do that?"
"Because I updated my FriendFace profile while we were still at the pub. Face it, Roy. You're mine and I'm not about to let you go. We're going to have a lot of sexual intercourse, you and I."
"Okay," said Roy. "Although I find myself startlingly unopposed to that idea, aren't you forgetting something?"
Moss considered it. "Oh, yes. Gosh darn it, Roy, whilst I did say that I wasn't 'curious' about you sexually when we were attending Gay! A Gay Musical, I find that I've changed my mind."
"That's not what I meant, but thanks," said Roy.
"Then what is it, Roy? I can't stand the suspense."
Roy took a sip of beer. "You do recall that your Mother is on FriendFace?"
Moss stared at him blankly, then flung Roy's netbook at his head and ran out the door. Roy dropped his beer to catch the computer. He was cursing and splattered when Moss darted back in the door to press a warm kiss to Roy's mouth. He left just as quickly, and then poked his head in the door one last time.
"Good night, Roy," said Moss.
the end.
You did a fabulous job of capturing their voices, Shrift. :-)